Asha made an incredibly astute observation on Friday. When I told her about how I felt I didn’t deserve certain recent accolades, she pointed out that many award and grant schemes are a recognition of a trajectory rather than a destination. She pointed out how much more value there is for them to say they were a formative part of the journey, and that they helped set the wheels in motion. I felt she was absolutely right, but I had expended so much energy deconstructing myself that I failed to think about the question of what benefit these schemes are to them.
At the same time, this observation leads me to a place of, if not quite anxiety, at least concern. Building Bridges feels so very much like a part-part-time gig right now, and I’m deeply dissatisfied with the notion of simply doing more of the same — more workshops with more kids. There are, I’m sure, far better ways to do precisely the things I want to get done, but I am just too harried to think about what they might be. I wish I could better capitalise on the traction these awards could give me. At the same time, even as I try to read diligently for class, I feel frustrated by the fact that my “daydreaming time” is spent largely on thinking about Building Bridges, and not my coursework. I do love my coursework and I want to, in many ways, be more obsessively immersed in it. It’s just really hard to be immersed in more than one thing, and I just don’t do my best work when I’m not obsessed. That being said, a state of obsession is not particularly sustainable, especially as I am trying harder to be more present for my partner, family, and friends.
On the bright side — I’m obviously crystal clear on what my problem is, and it’s a really enviable problem: how do I pick between all these things I love? I just need to figure out who can help me work through it.